The Akatsuki's Newest Pastime
by Alice kid
Summary: An Akatsuki fanfic. As if we needed any more, but I couldn't resist making them play "Nertz." If you don't know how to play, Hitsuji explains, so don't worry!


_Well, I'm here again, and this time I'm going to (hopefully) teach you a new game, called "Nertz." I really love this game, and wanted to find a way to share it with other people, and this is what came to mind. I hadn't been much of an Akatsuki fangirl until nee-chan made me read some fanfic pairings, and I liked them. So I've written a sequel to this, because not everyone will want to read my sappiness. This is basically a oneshot, so enjoy! The sequel will be called "That Which Began with a Game." It's finished in the written form, but, as always, I must type it. This has been written for a while, but my data got corrupted, so I got mad and left it alone for a while. I'll reply to these reviews in the first chapter of the sequel. And for my lovely fans, TNL and MNL are still coming, just not typed. I'm trying, but there's only so much you can type before you don't even want to roleplay anymore... _

_And now, our feature presentation:_

* * *

**The Akatsuki's Newest Pastime**

A young girl with long blond hair walks into the Akatsuki headquarters. Some of it falls in front of her eyes, which were an unusual blue-grey color. Next to her is another blond, with shorter hair and pure blue eyes.

Deidara: -waves at the first blond- Hey, Hitsuji, you gonna teach us that new game you were talking about?

Hitsuji: -waves back, brushing hair from her face- Sure am. –holds up a small box with several decks of cards inside- I only have eight decks, though, so some will have to leave.

Kisame: Everyone needs their own deck?

Tori: Yep! That's right! And I'm definitely playing!

Pein: I'll go.

Tobi: But leader-sama! You should play!

Pein: No.

Konan: I have things to do.

Tobi: But-!

Pein & Konan: No! -both leave-

Kakuzu: Do you play for money?

Hitsuji: No...

Kakuzu: Then I'm leaving.

Hidan: Cheap bastard.

Kakuzu: -ignores and leaves-

Hidan: I'll play. I'll whip you, bitches!

Hitsuji: Shut up. –glares at Hidan- Who else is playing?

Kisame: Me.

Deidara: Me too, uhn.

Tori: Okay, that makes five, including Hitsuji-chan. Sasori, Itachi, wanna play? -looks imploringly-

Hitsuji: Yeah, please? -joins Tori-

The two males share a quick, unsure glace.

Sasori: -sighs- Okay.

Itachi: ...

Hitsuji: Itachi?

Itachi: ...

Hitsuji: Come on, Sasori's playing.

Itachi: Fine. I'm in.

Hitsuji: -squeals- Sweet!

Tori: Yes! That leaves one more open place. Zetsu? Tobi?

Tobi: -looks at Zetsu-

Zetsu: Go on, Tobi. I'll watch for a while. FUCK NO.

Tori: Then let's begin!

Everyone sits down at a medium-sized circular card table. First is Hitsuji. Then, to her right, Deidara. Then Tori, Hidan, Sasori, Tobi, Kisame, and, lastly, Itachi to Hitsuji's left. Zetsu stands behind Tobi.

Hitsuji: -passes out decks of cards- I've never played with so many people before! I've played with seven, and that was chaos.

Tori: Yeah, I remember that. Complete and utter chaos. Fun chaos, though.

Hitsuji: -grins evilly- Definitely fun. This is gonna be great. Okay, first notice all the cards are different on the back. That's important for scoring later.

Tori: This game is called "Nertz."

Hitsuji: Oh, right. Forgot to mention that. Well, anyway, there are two goals of this game: one, to get rid of your "nertz pile," by either playing them on your solitaire cards or playing them in the middle, and two, to score as many points as you can. Does everyone know how to lay regular solitaire?

Everyone nods or mutters something that sounds like "yeah."

Tori: Good. That's important. We don't want anyone to back out 'cuz they can't play solitaire.

Hitsuji: Yeah, like one of my senseis last year.

All except Tori: -stare, confused-

Hitsuji: That story can wait until later. First, after you shuffle your deck, count out a pile of thirteen cards, facedown.

Tori: -begins to count cards- One, two... four, five...

Hidan: Will you shut the fuck up?!? I'm trying to count here! Now I have to start over again. Damn you!

Tori: -flicks Hidan's incomplete pile of cards across the table-

Hidan: -mutters- Damn you...

Tobi: -hands cards back to Hidan- Tobi is a good boy!

Zetsu: Yes, good boy, Tobi. ANNOYING BRAT.

Meanwhile, everyone else has finished counting their pile.

Hitsuji: 'Kay. Now set up a solitaire game next to it, only with four columns, instead of seven. So there should be one card, face up next to your nertz pile, and two cards next to that, then three, then four. Everyone got it?

Tobi: Uh, I'm not sure...

Zetsu: -arranges Tobi's cards- There. CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO-

Tobi: Oh! I get it!

Tori: -glances around- Okay, everyone's ready. Most of the rules in solitaire apply here. For example, a red queen goes on top of a black king, and then a black jack. Only, when you have an empty solitaire column, you can put a king there, or whatever card happens to be on top of your nertz pile. Also, aces go above your solitaire piles, but anywhere in the middle of the table is fine because everyone can use any ace.

Hitsuji: That's right. Each card played up top is worth one point, no matter what card, and that's where it gets competitive. If two people try to play the same card at once, whoever's card is on the bottom gets it.

Itachi: At once?

Tori: At once. There's no such thing as taking turns in this game. Once the word "go" is said, everyone can start.

Hitsuji: and then all hell breaks loose.

Tori: Right! Pretty much.

Hidan: This game is fucking sweet!

Deidara: Sounds fun, uhn!

Hitsuji: -smiles- Good. The rest of your leftover cards are flipped over three at a time-

Tori: Just like in solitaire!

Hitsuji: -and you can only use the top one.

Sasori: When does the game end?

Tori: When someone's nertz pile is gone. Once your pile is gone, you can either shout "nertz" right away or wait for a while to score a few more points in the middle, but keep in mind that that also gives everyone else a chance to score.

Hitsuji: You'll probably have to tell really loud. This game is as loud as it is violent.

Hidan: -perks up- Violent?

Hitsuji: Yes, violent, you idiot.

Hidan: By Jashin, I'll-

Hitsuji: Just shut up. Everyone ready to begin?

Deidara: Yeah!

Tori: You're going down this time, Hitsuji-chan!

Hitsuji: Yeah, right.

Hidan: Hell yes!

Sasori: Yes.

Tori: The first thing you do is flip over your top nertz card.

Hitsuji: GO!!

All: -flip over top card on the nertz pile. Chaotic, nonstop game play ensues-

Kisame: Ah, I got a queen on top...

Hitsuji: Ha ha!

Kisame: What did you say?

Deidara slap an ace or clubs down on the table, followed by two aces of diamonds from Tobi and Sasori.

Tori: -puts down a two of clubs on top of Deidara's ace.- Ah ha!

Hitsuji: Oh, and I usually make weird noises and scream when I play this game. And if you steal the cards I want to play, I'll probably swear at you.

Tori: Yeah...

Kisame: Someone needs to put down an ace of hearts so I can get rid of this queen!

Tori: Oh! I just found mine. –puts ace down-

Hidan: -puts down two of hearts-

Tobi: Ah! I just uncovered my two!

Hidan: -laughs- It's Jashin!

Itachi & Sasori: ...

Hitsuji: -rolls eyes- Not this Jashin crap again.

Deidara: You should get used to it, uhn.

Hitsuji: -screams (accidentally in his ear) and puts down a five of spades- A spade pile! When did that happen?

Tori: -six of spades- A while ago.

Itachi: -taps Hitsuji and points to an eight on top of his nertz pile- I can put this in this empty space here, right? -points to a completely empty solitaire column-

Hitsuji: -smiles and nods- Yeah.

Kisame: Where're the hearts in this game? I need hearts, people, hearts!

Itachi: -puts down eight of hearts-

Kisame: Not good enough.

Hidan: -puts down nine-

Itachi: - puts down ten-

Hitsuji: -screams again- Ablabla! I found an ace! -puts down an ace of diamonds-

Tori: Good for you...

Tobi: Yay! -two of diamonds- Deidara-senpai beat me to the last one.

Tori: -three of diamonds-

Hidan: -looks down and realizes he has the three of diamonds on a solitaire pile- Shit! I had that one! You bitch!

Hitsuji: -throws a kunai at him without looking-

Hidan: -blocks the kunai with one from his sleeve.-

Deidara: Ah, thanks for the queen, Sasori-danna. –king of spades-

Hitsuji: Okay, just put that pile on the floor somewhere, but don't forget about it.

Deidara: -throws it on the floor, then plays a three of spades on top of an ace two where it used to be.- Whoa!

Tori: Yeah, that happens. –while playing four then five-

Hidan: Shit! What's going on?

Kisame: What did you miss this time? -finishes a diamond stack and throws it on the floor-

Hitsuji: Damn, I had that king...

Tori: -teasing- Too bad!

Itachi: ... –eight of clubs-

Deidara: Kisame, your jack of spades can be played.

Kisame: What? Where?

Deidara: -points- There, uhn.

Kisame: Oh! -puts card down-

Deidara: -plays the queen of spades off of his nertz pile-

Kisame: You only told me that so you could play that!

Deidara: -shrugs- Yeah, so?

Hitsuji: I do that all the time. –screams (yet again)- Aaah! NERTZ!!

Tori: Everybody freeze!

Suddenly everyone stops moving and looks at Hitsuji or Tori.

Tori: Now we score the round. The remaining nertz cards in your pile count as negative points. The cards you played in the middle are positive points. In Suji-chan's case, she has no negative points because she got nertz, meaning she got rid of her nertz pile.

Sasori: What about the solitaire cards and flip over pile?

Hitsuji: -shakes her head- Those don't count for anything, but make sure to keep your nertz pile separate! My sensei didn't quite get that part, either. –giggles at the memory-

Tori: Don't forget the completed piles on the floor.

A total of seven piles are placed back on the table.

Hitsuji: Wow, that was crazy! It was impossible to concentrate on every ace pile plus my solitaire and nertz!

Deidara: yeah. That was actually really fun, though.

Hitsuji: -mock offended- Did you think I would teach you a boring game?

Tori: Help me sort the cards, Hitsuji-chan.

Hitsuji: -eye swirls- So many... and we only played for ten minutes! -takes half of the played middles cards from Tori-

Tori: But at least we didn't get stuck.

Kisame: Stuck?

Hitsuji: -nods- I hate when that happens. It's when no one can play anything for a while, and the game gets really slow. It's not very likely when you have eight, people, though we did it four about a minute when we played with seven. We should get a medal for that... Well, anyway, the smallest number I recommend is four players. Occasionally it'll get slow, but you can usually finish the game. Personally, I think five is ideal, but more that that is fun, too.

Tori: I only have three left in my nertz pile!

Tobi: Tobi has four!

Kisame: -groans- Eight.

Hidan: Shit! I have ten!

Hitsuji & Tori: -separate cards by player and then give them back-

Hitsuji: Okay, I'll keep score. –pulls out notepad and pen from under her chair- I had... nineteen points that round.

Tori: Twenty-one, Hitsuji!

Hitsuji: You suck. –writes down everyone's scores as they say them-

Deidara: Fifteen, uhn.

Hidan: Eight. Fuck you...

Sasori: Seventeen.

Deidara: Nice, danna!

Tobi: Eighteen! Tobi's a good boy!

Everyone: -stare-

Deidara: How the hell did he get such a high score?

Tori: No clue...

Hidan: Fuck you!

Kisame: Ten...

Itachi: Nine for me, Hitsuji.

Hitsuji: -raises eyebrows- Okay, then...

Tori: -whispers across to Hitsuji- That's surprising.

Deidara: -snickers-

Hitsuji: Be nice, Deidara.

Tori: So, for the first round, in first is myself, then Suji-chan, Tobi, Sasori-sama, Deidara, Kisame, Itachi, and then Hidan.

Hitsuji: Yoshi! Shuffle your deck and play again! Everyone did great their first round!

Kisame: Again?

Hidan: What, afraid 'cuz you suck, you bastard?

Kisame: -throws a shuriken- At least I'm not as bad as you!

Hitsuji: -sighs, annoyed- Gentlemen, can we _please_ be mature?

Deidara: -laughs-

Tori: You're one, to talk, Hitsuji.

Hitsuji: -laughs- Very funny. –shrugs- But true.

Sasori: ...

Tobi: I got my cards right this time!

Zetsu: Good boy, Tobi. YOU'D BETTER, YOU-

Tori: Go!

This time, the game is even louder (especially from the loudmouth cuss Hidan). Hitsuji threw a couple of kunai, both at Hidan. Once Tori elbowed Deidara for cussing loudly. At the end of the round, Tobi got nertz and ended it.

Hitsuji: Already?

Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!

Itachi: ...

Sasori: ...

Tori, Hitsuji, and Itachi separate the cards.

Hidan: You're all ganging up on me! I've only got twelve this time!

Deidara: Better than last time, you religious freak.

Hidan: Shut the fuck up! How many points did you get?

Deidara: Fifteen. –leans over to see Hitsuji's score card- I'm in fifth, uhn.

Sasori: Sixteen.

Hitsuji: Okay.

Tobi: Seventeen!

Kisame: One-upped by Tobi, eh, Sasori?

Sasori: -glares-

Kisame: Fifteen, Hitsuji.

Itachi: Fourteen. –shoots Kisame a stare that silently dares him to make another comment-

Tori: Fifteen.

Hitsuji: And seventeen for me. Ready for the next round?

Tobi: Yes!

Deidara: This game is addictive, uhn...

Tori: Yes, isn't it?

The next round Tobi again got nertz, and won the round, closely followed by Sasori. By the end of the fourth round (which Tobi also ended), Hidan is furious.

Hidan: What the fuck is going on here?!? I'm always last! And you, Tobi! How are you always getting nertz?!?

Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!

Deidara: Because he's better than you?

Kisame & Hitsuji: Nice one!

Itachi: ...

Hidan: Bastard!

Tori: Um, anyone up for another round?

Hidan: Hell yes! Tobi, YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!

Hitsuji: -sigh- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

Deidara: Ouch!

Kisame: She got you there.

Pein walks in.

Tobi: Leader-sama! You should've played! This is fun!

Tori: Stay and watch, leader-sama?

Deidara: yeah, watch Hidan get his ass kicked, uhn.

Hidan: Fuck you, bastard!

Pein: Okay, I'll watch.

Deidara: Go!

Hitsuji: don't suck this time, Hidan.

Sasori: ...

Hidan: You know what, bitch?!? I'm-

Kisame: Hidan, don't be jealous because she's better than you.

Hitsuji: You know, that's about the third time you've called me a bitch. I don't appreciate that.

Hidan: SHUT UP, BIT-

Hitsuji: -throws a kunai at Hidan's head-

Hidan: -blocks-

Tori: -elbows Hidan in the stomach-

Hidan: Ouch! -throws kunai at Hitsuji and Kisame-

Hitsuji & Kisame: -dodge-

Kisame: What did I do?

Pein: You should all stop being so childish. Are you children?

Hitsuji: -whispers to Deidara- Maybe...

Pein: -hits Hidan on the top of his head with a fist- And you should at least try to control your mouth. Hitsuji-san and Tori-san are part of our group now. Be nice.

Hidan: Hai, Pein-sama. –grumbles-

Sasori: -says loudly but calmly- Nertz.

Hitsuji: Damn, that was fast.

Kisame: At least it wasn't Tobi this time. Happy now, Hidan?

Itachi: ...

Hitsuji: Then let's count up points. This game decides the winner of the game!

Tori: -passes out cards- Ah, I only had one nertz card left that time.

Tobi: Tobi has seventeen points.

Kisame: Twelve.

Hitsuji: Same. I did badly that time.

Deidara: Thirteen, uhn.

Hidan: Twelve.

Itachi: Fifteen.

Tori: Seventeen.

Sasori: I have twenty-two.

Hitsuji: -whistles- Damn, that's pretty good. Hold on while I add everyone's scores.

Pein: This game looks confusing.

Tori: It can be.

Deidara: And violent, too, uhn.

Tori: More so when you play with shinobi, not normal people.

Hidan: -to Hitsuji- Are you done yet, bitch?

Hitsuji: My name isn't "bitch," and this is the last time I'm answering to that, you silver-haired uke!

Hidan: Why you... –surprised by her language-

Kisame: You deserved that on, Hidan.

Hitsuji: -yells- I have the final scores.

The silence of a crypt envelops the group.

Hitsuji: In last place is Hidan.

Most laugh while Hidan resigns himself to groaning.

Hitsuji: In seventh place, Kisame-kun. In sixth, Itachi. Fifth, Deidara. Fourth, myself. Third, Tori-chan.

Tori: Ha! I did beat you!

Hitsuji: By four points... Anyway, second is Tobi-

Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!

Hitsuji: -and in first is Sasori!

Deidara: Ah, danna won, uhn.

Pein: Well, that was interesting.

Kisame: Yeah!

Hitsuji: Did everyone at least have a little fun?

Tori: Yeah!

Itachi: -softly to Hitsuji- Thank you for teaching us.

Hitsuji: -blushes slightly- Um, sure. –then thinks to herself, "He talks now?"-

Deidara: You beat me too, Tori. Nice job!

Tori: Eh? Oh, thanks! -smiles brightly-

Hitsuji: Well, that was exciting. Now what?

Tori: Uh, no idea.

Kisame: Anyone else know a good card game?

Tobi: Everyone should play!

Hitsuji: Maybe later, Tobi.

Tobi: Okay!

Hitsuji: Good boy, Tobi.

* * *

_Thanks for reading, and please review, like always! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! Nee-chan will also likely know. She's "Tori" in this particular story. Look out for "That Which Began with a Game," hopefuilly coming soon enough! Love you all!_

* * *


End file.
